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Ronan Keating: I've been having panic attacks since death of Boyzone pal Stephen Gately
Nov 16 2009 <http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/showbiz/celebrity-news/2009/11/16/> By Kevan Christie
BOYZONE star Ronan Keating has been having panic attacks since the death of bandmate Stephen Gately.
Keating admitted he is struggling to come to terms with his loss and said he plans to see a counsellor to help him cope.
The star also said his friend's death had shaken his Catholic faith.
He said: "I haven't been sleeping at all lately. It's been horrible. You feel like your chest is collapsing, the walls are coming in on top of you.
"There's times when you feel like you can't breathe, you know when you're panicking.
"I just feel worn out. My brain doesn't work. My heart's broken. You just feel crushed.
"I've never before thought about going to get help with counsellors. For the first time ever, I think I should."
Gately, 33, died on holiday in Majorca last month from pulmonary oedema - an accumulation of fluid on the lungs.
Dad-of-three Keating, 32, lost his mum Marie to breast cancer 11 years ago - but said the sudden nature of his friend's death had hit him harder.
He added: "When I lost my mum, it was the hardest thing, at the time, I'd ever known in my life.
"But because she was sick for two years, subconsciously you build a wall and you prepare.
"With Steo, there was nothing, just this wall of devastation. I don't think it's hit any of us properly."
Keating admitted Stephen's death had shaken his faith - but he said he believed his friend was still with him in spirit.
Keating added: "I've had moments where I've questioned. I didn't understand - I don't understand. I'm angry. I'm upset. My friend's gone.
"Stephen's with me, he's protecting us. I speak to him before I sing, before I go on stage. He's with me.
"I'm a believer. It's just hard."
Keating was a year younger than Stephen, but always thought of him as a wee brother.
He added: "We always felt we had to look after him. He never grew up. He had so much to give - always happy, always glowing. He was healthy in every sense. There's just no sense to it."

But first here is my story:
So being a man I thought that panic attacks only affected women - and weak women at that! Stress and panic disorders just did not happen to men...or so I thought......
I had been brought up by a strict, "pull yourself together" sort of woman- who stood for no nonsense and never showed any weakness.
Coming from the EastEnd of London I was one of the boys, I played football with the lads and went to the pub most nights. I had a pretty good job as a spark (electrician) and worked alongside the other guys without too much bother. Life was pretty normal (whatever that is!) I had a girlfriend and we had a kid together, Louise. My little girl was the apple of my eye.
We had been having some money problems - lets face it who hasn't! We had been arguing a lot but we all go through these phases. And then one morning I work up at 3am in a cold sweat, I couldn't stop shaking and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, I was in a panic and just couldn't take control of myself. I felt completely overwhelmed by fear and stress. I got up and poured myself a large scotch - took a few deep breathes and went back up to bed - believing that this was just a one off reaction to some dream or something.

The next morning I felt fine, went and got in the car, and on the way to the petrol station, I could feel the stress building up again - God what is the matter with me? - I could hear my mum saying "pull yourself together, don't be so pathetic" but I couldn't. My breathing was shallow and fast, I could not stop shaking and I felt panic through out me - there was no reason, no build up, nothing I should feel stressed about. I pulled the car over and sat there stunned for a moment - finally I pulled myself together and went to the petrol station, I felt like everyone could see there was something wrong with me - now I was being paranoid, I started shaking again - I paid the bill and ran from the shop.
I didn't go to work. I felt to shaky - I went home saying that I had had a bad pint the night before and felt crook. I sat in my lounge wondering what was going on. Who could I talk to about it - not my girlfriend, Jane , definitely not my mates, not my Mum ..I was in it alone.

I was having panic attacks virtually everyday, over stupid things -picking Louise up from Brownies, Going to the pub with my mates -most of the time I just told them I was ill or was skint and had no cash. My world was getting smaller and smaller - I had to go to work or I didn't get paid, I had to be strong in front of my girlfriend and daughter - but the panic attacks were getting worse. I felt like I had let Jane and Louise down

Eventually, Jane realised that something was up and made me go to my doctor, who prescribed me anti-depressants - great now I felt like a zombie! I decided that I would check on the internet and see if there was any other way and this was what I found ..This was the answer to that paralysing stress, that feeling that made me feel so pathetic and not like a real man..my cure ..Here take a look